Luna's Mirror
i.
would you like
to be me?
I ask my mirror
trade places
Alice-like
be more me
than you are
no?
I'd like to be mute like you
ii.
incessant flood of thought
manic clumsiness
mumbled speech
most people remember
insults left unanswered
I forget those actually
people insult me
thinking we can stay friends
we don't
my (mute) response
seems so natural to me
none better
some crave validation
seems so difficult to live like that
but then
seems like an easy source of motivation
replenishable, even divine
torture-like
Pavlovian
or Sisyphean
hehe morons
iii.
Seemingly no end to ideas, but no memory to hold them.
Overstimulated. Understimulated.
My mind harasses me.
I have begun to meditate. No specific practice. I haven't read much about it. I don't want to think about doing it right or wrong. I just want to get comfortable in silence.
But I panic in the midst of intrusive thoughts. It's actually gotten much better. I always exaggerate, to make it theatrical, heady and almost desirable, but then I underplay it, dissemble, dissimulate, hide and dismiss how fragile I've become.
But I've gotten better. There is still a nervousness.
What I want to say is: I'm not a kind person. I am not a moral person. I used to be. You begin to think it doesn't matter until you over-step one time too many.
iv.
please believe me when I say
I'm just fucking around
I don't really mean any of this
there is nothing here to read into
I always do this, I know
and then I try to take it back
I don't think
you really want to hear it
we aren't that close
even if you say we are
the fucking anxiety would kill me
if I ever really was — in front of you